Hey there Delilah

It has been awhile since I have had any time to blog.

Delilah Sue was born March 10th, 2009 at 9:00 pm. She is a very tiny, very pretty baby.

I will post my birth story sometime when I have more time to brush it up. James and Evan went out to the movies today. It is nice to get Evan out of the house. I don't have the patience or the time to find him enough to do when he is here for the three days a week. I have forgotten how isolating being home with a baby is. I guess maybe I thought this time would be different. It is a daunting task to get out the door with a baby (and a 3 year old). So, we don't really do it. I go out alone or with James if someone is here to watch the baby. I have friends, but everyone is doing their own thing. Which is fine most of the time. Most of the time I don't have time for them. But now, all I have is time.

Yesterday, I started to feel a little anxious. The house swallowing me and all. It worries me because that is one of the more defining points of postpartum depression. I don't know if I am "there" yet. Nights have been the worst. Probably because I am so tired. A lot of the time I hate nearly every part of this experience. And then I feel guilty about it. I know it is only for a short time. It is hard to remind myself of that. A prison of my own making.

Anyhow, I don't really want to talk about it. Writing for catharsis or something.

Watching 12 Monkeys. Really like this movie.

Pedicure Fun

I went to get a pedicure today. Sort of one of my last hurrahs for myself before having to turn over all attention to a new baby. I like getting pedicures....so nice and relaxing. It is funny going to the Vietnamese-run salons because they are all so similar. They are slow during this season...and probably slower still because so many people don't have money for the extras like these anymore. So they are all about the up-sell. You come in for one thing but they try to sell you something else. Manicure, airbrushing, little sequins stuck to your nails, etc.

I was one of three women getting pedicures. Everyone wanted to know when I was due and all about the baby. I even got my stomach molested by one of the nail techs. LOL. The nail tech doing the toenails of the woman next to me asked the woman, "Do you want rebase?" The woman replied, "No, maybe next time." "Do you want eyebrow wax?" "No, thanks."
The nail tech pressed further, "I think you should."
"Oh?" the woman was trying to be polite.
"Yes. You got lots of hair right here," and pointed to between her brows.
"I do?"
(I am closing my eyes at this point trying not to laugh.)
"Yes. Maybe you can't see it? I think you should wax."
"Um, ok. But don't make them thinner."
"No, I will just clean it up. Get rid of all that hair!"

Oh my. I was trying so hard not to laugh. That poor woman. And everytime I go into these places I am reminded of this comedian's stand up routine, because it is so so true.

Boo!

I have a cold. This blows. Thank you body for getting me through nearly ten months of pregnancy in relatively good health....but now a few days before baby comes, you give me a cold!?! It isn't too bad...just lots of sneezing and dripping. Sleep is tough though because you can't take anything for it during pregnancy. Gah!

Today is my last day in the office. Monday will be my last day (barring any movement from baby) but I am going to telework. I have a doctor's appointment today to check position, among other things.

James asked me the other day if I am starting to get worried. A little. Not about the baby. I think should be able to take on an infant ok. I am worried about my sweet little boy. I am worried about surgery and recovery. I am worried about depression. It was such a sad, scary time that I don't want to go back to.

I had some anxiety dreams....I discovered that I hadn't gone to one class all year and I showed up to another without my books or homework. And lots of miscarriage dreams.

Anyhow, I dug up my blog post from Myspace when I was depressed the last time. Most of you that read this one probably didn't have access to it last time. Reading anything from that time still makes me teary because it was such a blur and sooooo sad. All that said, I am hopeful this time will go a little better...and because I have a previous history of postpartum depression, I know the doctors won't put me off this time. :)

Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Can someone please ask Tom Cruise what kind of vitamins I should be taking?
I am depressed. I can't even explain what I am sad about. The loss of a life in a way. The beginning of a new life that I can't even comprehend what it will be like. I wake up each morning wishing I could sleep the day away...knowing that I can't because I have someone utterly dependent on me. The dependency is so intense that it smothers me. I am tied to someone I feel like I barely know.
And then the other feelings. The guilt that I am being a terrible mother....not in physical actions, but because I resent the sweetest little baby. The guilt that I am ruining my husband's life as well. I see the look he gives me like he doesn't even know the person I have become in the last 2 weeks.... He is worried for me and so is my family and that makes me feel guilty too. I feel guilty for needing help because I have never needed so much help in my live. And the anger. I get irrationally mad when Evan cries. Mostly because I am tired and frustrated that I can't be anywhere but here in this house. I am anxious. The idea of leaving the house scares the shit out of me even though the house is smothering me. I am terrified of getting somewhere and him having a meltdown. I am even scared of nursing in public although I planned to do it from the beginning. Every morning the panic wells up in my stomach because I have to face another day.
I tried to do something about it. I talked to a social worker who was very helpful and will start going to groups next week. But my doctor completely blew me off. She wouldn't even see me yet. Wait two weeks. I don't know if I can do this for another two weeks. I don't know if I can take it....or if James can take it.
Writing this was meant to be cathartic and I am not making it private because private blogs annoy me. Please don't write me with words of sympathy because sympathy only makes me cry harder.

Six days

I am trying to tie up all the loose ends here at work and at home. Today is 38 weeks. I am trying to enjoy the last few days of pregnancy because I doubt that I will get to experience it again. I think two is it for us. James and I will have replaced ourselves in this world, and that is enough :P Overall, it has been a decent pregnancy. Morning sickness kicked my ass....but the rest was easier than last time. No tailbone pain, no rib pain. I am still a little sad that I may not be able to experience spontaneous labor. But perhaps...I do have 6 days. I guess we will see what Friday brings at my doctor appointment.

Given March 10th, I have figured out all my leave plans. I will be out until June 1st. Seems like a long time...and not a long time. I will probably come back in time to finish out this job...especially if it drags on the way it has so far.

I don't know what we will do this weekend. Try to come up with something fun for Evan to do. If you ask him what he wants to do, he usually answers "Go to the bookstore/Target/mall." Poor kid. Have some house stuff that still needs to be done...and some baby stuff. And then Monday is my last day at work. I will work from home though. Whew. It is all drawing near.

I will be glad to no longer be pregnant soon, if for no other reason than the fact that using the laptop is getting more difficult. I can't put it very close because my belly extends pretty far...and my arms are not very long.

I have a couple of Evan stories to share from this weekend. Yesterday, after going to the zoo, we were outside talking with the neighbors. Evan was playing with a tennis ball. His play really consisted more of throwing it in the road and letting Mama go get it. He saw Tyler up in the upstairs window and yelled, "Hey Tyler! Tyler, look at me! We are down here playing basketball!" LOL.

Later on in the day, he was playing with his train table. I was upstairs and looked down from the loft at him. He was clearly eating something, so I asked, "What are you eating, buddy?" He said, with a smile, "Boogers!" LMAO. Ok.

And today, randomly, he said, "I don't have any tattoos." Funny kid.

We are enjoying our weekend. Second to last weekend with only one kiddo. Yikes!