Boo!

I have a cold. This blows. Thank you body for getting me through nearly ten months of pregnancy in relatively good health....but now a few days before baby comes, you give me a cold!?! It isn't too bad...just lots of sneezing and dripping. Sleep is tough though because you can't take anything for it during pregnancy. Gah!

Today is my last day in the office. Monday will be my last day (barring any movement from baby) but I am going to telework. I have a doctor's appointment today to check position, among other things.

James asked me the other day if I am starting to get worried. A little. Not about the baby. I think should be able to take on an infant ok. I am worried about my sweet little boy. I am worried about surgery and recovery. I am worried about depression. It was such a sad, scary time that I don't want to go back to.

I had some anxiety dreams....I discovered that I hadn't gone to one class all year and I showed up to another without my books or homework. And lots of miscarriage dreams.

Anyhow, I dug up my blog post from Myspace when I was depressed the last time. Most of you that read this one probably didn't have access to it last time. Reading anything from that time still makes me teary because it was such a blur and sooooo sad. All that said, I am hopeful this time will go a little better...and because I have a previous history of postpartum depression, I know the doctors won't put me off this time. :)

Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Can someone please ask Tom Cruise what kind of vitamins I should be taking?
I am depressed. I can't even explain what I am sad about. The loss of a life in a way. The beginning of a new life that I can't even comprehend what it will be like. I wake up each morning wishing I could sleep the day away...knowing that I can't because I have someone utterly dependent on me. The dependency is so intense that it smothers me. I am tied to someone I feel like I barely know.
And then the other feelings. The guilt that I am being a terrible mother....not in physical actions, but because I resent the sweetest little baby. The guilt that I am ruining my husband's life as well. I see the look he gives me like he doesn't even know the person I have become in the last 2 weeks.... He is worried for me and so is my family and that makes me feel guilty too. I feel guilty for needing help because I have never needed so much help in my live. And the anger. I get irrationally mad when Evan cries. Mostly because I am tired and frustrated that I can't be anywhere but here in this house. I am anxious. The idea of leaving the house scares the shit out of me even though the house is smothering me. I am terrified of getting somewhere and him having a meltdown. I am even scared of nursing in public although I planned to do it from the beginning. Every morning the panic wells up in my stomach because I have to face another day.
I tried to do something about it. I talked to a social worker who was very helpful and will start going to groups next week. But my doctor completely blew me off. She wouldn't even see me yet. Wait two weeks. I don't know if I can do this for another two weeks. I don't know if I can take it....or if James can take it.
Writing this was meant to be cathartic and I am not making it private because private blogs annoy me. Please don't write me with words of sympathy because sympathy only makes me cry harder.