Can't sleep

I have been laying in bed for over an hour trying to go to sleep. My body is exhausted, but my brain will not turn off. I keep playing a handful of events over and over in my head.

This weekend was supposed to be potty training weekend. Yesterday went pretty darn good...with a poop in the potty and very few accidents. Today was a different story. It was battle after battle. Cries of "You're mean" and "I hate this/you/potty." And spitting and hitting. He is a stubborn kid. I feel like we have done everything wrong with potty training now. When he pulled his head back and spit right in my face, I slapped him. I don't even spank. I just lost it. Then we have been telling him that if he doesn't start going in the potty, he will have to go back in diapers. He pooped in his pants during the party today and brought down a diaper and handed it to me. He really really does not want to go back in diapers, but he was ready to because he feels like a failure on this. He kept asking me, "Are you happy, Mommy?" I of course, tried not to show my disappointment. It has become a battle now. Battle of wills. And now I don't know what to do. We have been saying that diapers are for babies, but now I feel like we just have to not pressure him. Because if he feels like it is a battle, he is going to want to win. But how do we go back to diapers? He will feel like we are punishing him. I don't know. Being a parent is so freaking hard. My heart breaks when I see his face handing me that darn diaper.

I am stretched so thin right now, I feel like I am not doing anything right. Potty training, getting Delilah to sleep in her own bed, work, marriage, keeping this house up. I can't keep up with it.

This "party" was miserable. I think everyone else had a good time. I was being pulled in about 1000 different directions. I wanted to be able to greet my friends, but don't feel like I got much of an opportunity. I am done with the whole BBQ thing. Not worth it.

I am envious of James getting to go out. I don't really have anyone to go out with or anywhere to go. Pity party of one. Last weekend I declined to go to a party at a coworker's house because I felt bad leaving James alone with both kids at bed time....but that was stupid because James went out that night anyhow.

Anyhow, it is now almost 11...I hope I can get to sleep soon. These kids don't care that I had a late night...they will be up regardless.

FML.